The Last Will And Testament of Captain Danyo of Remlia,

I have traveled many worlds and I have spit in more eyes than most and fighting this dragon has put a lot into perspective for me. Eventually life gonna catch up with me and when it does my vast accumulation of wealth aught to go somewhere useful (assuming there’s any left). That’s why I’m having Steven write out these laying down papers for me before we go off to rescue Lurr. 

I’m not sure how you’re gonna get these things to these folks, since I myself don’t quite understand the nature of my traveling, but if you ever run into them by chance, here’s the distribution.

(Assuming of course I’m dead when you read this and you didn’t just sneak into the captains quarters to steal my wine)

There’s a Knight named Ragna in Remlia somewhere, I was told he was dead, but I think that may have been the treacherous lies of an old wizard. Give him my fishing pole and tell him to relax.

There’s a strip club in Tyr called the Cat’s Bones, give them half of any coin I’ve managed to scrape together by the time this gets opened, and tell them I was always a better dancer and these are my tips to prove it- they’ll get a kick outta that. The other half of the coin should go to Birch and Bat, they’re good folks.

As I’m having Steven write this I have in my possession several weapons of a magical nature. They have specific scabbards, and if I don’t manage to sheathe them myself I would have Rana do it for me, because I’ve seen the ice behind her eyes and I know she wouldn’t fuck it up. 

Blossom Buster and Spear Mynt go in the gut of the Elf King of Figaro, the bastard.

Tammy gets firmly planted in the skull of Kalak, former sorcerer king of Tyr.

Underbite goes with its sibling: Overbite, into the hands of Jasper Black, one of the greatest Fighters I’ve ever known.

Speaking of Jasper, I’m giving you my title (and hat) of Captain of the Tresendar. Don’t run it aground if you can manage.

Runt, I’d like for you to take care of Sandy, the Displacer Kitten I picked up in Athas- be careful with her, she’s getting kind of big. I saw her phase her whole mouth around a chicken the other day and I got  worried so I locked her below deck with a rum barrel and a few goats. She really likes drinking blood though so if it’s too much to handle you can probably foist her onto Milly. There’s also one last hit of blue sand behind the secret compartment in my self portrait above my bed, twist the eyepatch counterclockwise and have a good time with it bud.

Millie, I’m leaving you this pop up book I found in your home country, my doll collection, and my wardrobe, there’s some fun stuff in there and I know you’ll have a good time with it. Give my love to your mom and dad- 

A few other quick things- there’s a pickled goblin hand I found in a cave in Remlia some years ago, give it to the Pirate Queen of Mintarn and tell her I said I dig her style.

Look up Silas and Theodosia and give them my bronze medusa mirror, I dunno if it does anything weird but they’ve got a mirrored ceiling so I figure they’ll put it to good use.

That’s about it I think, I hope I didn’t miss anything or anyone- but if I did and you think something is rightfully yours,

Steal it back.

X

Why are we down here?

You have to talk to people. 

I don't care how many dice are sitting on the table in front of you, eventually you actually have to interact with the people that are sitting at your table, or by extension, at their computer in the same video call as you. In order for this to be an experience that you think back to with anything resembling fondness you might want to consider a few things-

Does everyone know what kind of game this is going to be?/Are the groups expectations more or less on the same page?

I don't know if you've heard but there's like, a few options for RPG's these days. And the choice of which one you play only scratches the surface-

If a game system is a guitar (and it is) then not only are there like a bazillion different guitars to choose from (which all look different and cool but more or less they have strings and they let you play music) you also have to decide on a whole GENRE of music to play, with what is ostensibly your new BAND. Cuz buckle up buddy, you're in a BAND now- with the people who are sitting around you with their dice and their snacks and whateverthefuck else goddamn late capitalism fun time think geek accessories they brought with them. I KNOW I'M MIXING THE METAPHORS. It's intentionally confusing because if you walk your ass into BAND PRACTICE and you start laying down a face melting, gut busting metal riff and your drummer only knows how to play goddamn SMOOTH JAZZ well shit sonny you might have a weird time. Or a bad time. Or you might pull it off in which case cut your album/write your system and make a dime.

But regardless this is why people talk about the kind of music they play before they commit to being in a band and it's why you should talk about the games/stories/shows/inspirational youtube videos your gaming group likes before you start playing. And then like, decide on the kind of game you want to run.

Do you like these people?

The most popular piece of pithy writing I ever spat onto Tumblr was this:

"Don't play D&D with anyone you wouldn't go on a 3 hour car trip with"

I deleted the original post because it destroyed my notifications. 

I learned a few things from posting this, most notably that some people can manage to play for 7 or 8 hours at a time. If you can do this, good for you! Personally I would rather scoop out my eyes with a spoon than spend a full workday roleplaying but I'M NOT HERE TO TELL YOU HOW TO HAVE FUN. I'm just handing you a condom to carry your dice in.

The greater point i'm wobbling towards is that much like any activity involving more than just yourself, you should examine for a brief moment the quality of the company you are planning to keep for this foray into the world of imagination. It's okay to not want to play an RPG with someone, EVEN SOMEONE YOU LIKE. I'm not going to go into all the ways that you can let that person down easily but that's because it's a general life skill and there are more qualified folks who've taken a stab at that already. I'm just saying you should probably try to know what you're walking into, which leads me to this-

 

Are you cool with leaving if you don't like these people?

Say you've thrown caution to the wind and ignored every single piece of advice I have so far given, and you sit down, blind, to a game at a convention or other such wild west of a gaming tableu. UH OH. What if everyone at the table simultaneously takes off their baseball cap and reveal that they were all wearing FEDORAS or A SIMILAR STYLE OF HAT WORN BY THE PERSON IN THE COMMENTS THAT WILL BE LIKE "I THINK YOU MEAN TRILBY"

 

Then between swings of their katana sharp tongues uttering malapropacious memesplanings you must make a choice, do you love games more than your own comfort and sanity? I can only hope the answer is yes, because the world is big and wide and D&D is fucking MAINSTREAM AS SHIT now and you can do better- 

don't give up, don't be afraid to ask questions, and good luck out there.

Downtime Thieving

Instead of carousing after an adventure, a thief can choose to go on a solo mission to steal from local homes and businesses. Unlike a traditional carousing roll, the Thief gambles with their skill proficiency and if they win, they get experience AND gold, however, upon failing any of the required checks they have to roll on a fairly brutal table that may leave them significantly hobbled.

The thief decides on the size of the job they want to pull and rolls a corresponding amount of skill checks to determine whether or not they succeed. Here’s how it breaks down:

Small Job = 2 successful skill checks, reward = 1d6x100 gold and experience
Medium Job = 3 successful skill checks, reward = 1d8x150 gold and experience
Large Job = 4 successful skill checks, reward = 1d10x200 gold and experience

A thief must succeed on all of their checks to claim their treasure and experience. They cannot roll the same check more than once per job. They can use any thieves skills available to them. If they fail they must roll on this table.

1. Amateur hour. It was a sloppy job, you lose half the gold and xp. Tighten up.

2. Caught by the fuzz! You make no money and get no XP, thrown in jail with bail set at half of what you were expecting to make.

3. Dogs! Oh shit, you got bit! Start your next adventure at -1d4 health and a crippling fear of canines.

4. Caught and beaten up. Start your next adventure at -1d6 health and a lovely assortment of bruises.

5. You made it out with the loot but they saw your face. Wanted posters of you all over town with a reward of x5 what you stole.

6. Caught by a trap! Save vs. Poison or wake up at -4 health in a gutter with a thieves brand in a place of prominence.

7. Another thief beat you to the loot. You walk away empty handed.

8. The thieves guild is unhappy with you moving in on their territory. Pay 1d6 x100 in “reparations” or go on a hit list.

9. You pulled off the job but another thief was watching you from the shadows and mugged you on your way back to secure the loot. Lose the loot and all the stuff you were carrying/wearing.

10. The painting you tried to steal was cursed! Save VS. Petrification.

11. Acid Trap! No loot and your face is badly burned. -1 to your charisma score.

12. It turns out you stole faerie gold. It turned into dirt at sunrise, laughing stock of other thieves for 1d4 weeks.

13. The gold you stole was marked. 50% loss to launder it.

14. Seduced by someone who was in the house. They tied you up after you took your clothes off, but you managed to escape…in the nude and without any of the loot.

15. Grifted at the pawn shop. Get 1/4 the value of your fenced goods in gold but all the XP. It’s a life lesson.

16. You got cold feet and never even robbed the place. Chicken.

17. Captured by a vengeful homeowner. Roll a sleight of hand (or equivalent skill) to keep from losing your hand. No loot.

18. The place you tried to rob turned out to be the front for a large drug operation. Pay the amount you were expecting to make or lose your tongue.

19. Tripped on the cat and fell down the stairs. Dexterity type save or break your neck and die.

20. Poisoned! And you're addicted to it. You need a dose before every adventure you go on or you suffer -2 to all rolls. Save ends.