Friday, May 25, 2018

From the Diary of Yareh Falsong: Dicocoven, New Moon

Have you ever fucked an orc in the river of dreams?

I have. And let me tell you something diary, I’m not entirely sure how I survived the ripples of that one. It was just my luck that I ended up as some sort of chosen mook of Orcagorgon, and that his idea of calling in a favor is “Put an end to the Chairman of Vampires”

Did you know that the Chairman of Vampires is 15 ft tall? I didn’t. I was expecting some chump in a cape, and I’ll admit that’s on me but for fucks sake after we made it past the trolls with the blood bags (don’t ask it wasn’t pretty) and followed Thiggy’s (a decapitated troll head we got direction from) directions to the Chairman’s study, which was all GIANT SIZED I very nearly felt frightened.

After we secured a few of the scrolls for removal later we proceeded into a CHESS ROOM. That Bela Legosi motherfucker had a CHESS ROOM, and based on the fight we had with the shade inhabiting the white king it seems like no expense was spared. Kudos to Ribbon for snaring that thing in her magic cape, and diary remind me to fix the sword hole I put in that magic cape.

I gotta give props to Brutal Pete for being prepared with a few choice potions for this one. I’ve been broke for months and basically went into this geas with a hangover and a death wish. We busted in on the Chairman while he was in his sarcophagus and cracked it open like the worst walnut ever. They never mention the smell that comes out of a freshly opened sarcophagus but let me tell you it’s a treat- not to mention the fact that he looked like a piece of raw chicken with the skin peeled off.

As soon as he came out I cracked him a good one, but it should be made clear that my best “cracking him a good one” wasn’t going to be of much help. He almost crushed the robot that was adventuring with us and if not for some luck and a potion of undead control we would be exsanguinated husks hanging on the corner of his door like raincoats.

But instead we made him our puppet, made him show us his treasure (it was A LOT of treasure) and had him walk with us out into the cold light of day.

It would have went off without a hitch if the robot hadn’t insisted on stealing some VERY OBVIOUSLY trapped ruby vampire fangs out of a statue and nearly getting me killed when the GELATINOUS CUBE MADE OF BLOOD tried to chew off my feet as we got into the elevator. If Brutal Pete hadn’t risked his life dragging my ass in I wouldn’t be writing this now.

Brutal Pete is gonna be my next tattoo.

We brought the Chairman to the Dreaming River and I baptized him in the name of Orcagorgon- melted the head clean off him.

Take that you 15 foot Snailmas ham, I fucked in that water.


  1. Was this a player's diary, or your own? It spectacularly shows off the world and events without bogging things down, and I loved the descriptions.

    1. This is my play report from Jeff Rient's Vaults of Vyzor game, written from the perspective of my thief Yareh.

  2. I really love the play reports that you do. They are so much fun to read!