I've been on hiatus for a while, after I came back from the dead, and Sleet and I did that whole Monday night RAW thing (which felt like it lasted weeks) I took a few weeks off to get my head straight. Mostly I drank, but at least I didn't go drunk-thieving like I usually do, I think coming back as (mostly) a human was good for me. I got real deep into the crow-mind for a year or so and I have to say that it's a pretty dark place, I probably wouldn't have hired a demon and killed a bunch of thieves guild had it not been for the bucket of greed seeds I was calling a brain back then.
Being dead was weird though, I saw Orcagorgon in all their demonic majesty- 7 flaming crowns and all. It was cool but I was getting this totally judgey vibe from them because I'm still all geased up and I haven't gone on their weird God-quest. Which is probably why I still have this mad beefy orc arm, though all the tattoos on it are weird and demonic now. Sometimes I just stare at them for hours when I'm trying to...
What was I talking about? I just blacked out for a second. I came back to my room early after hitting the bars tonight and I'm not used to it being this quiet when I'm blasted.
So anyways I ended my vacation with that crazy party up at the Skyfortress that Sleet just captured. It was pretty wild, I got drunk and accidentally burned down the King of all Apple Trees, but everyone agreed it was an accident. They wouldn't have any way of knowing that Orcagorgon had old beef with that tree, right? Either way I'm all pawn in this chessgame and if a transdimentional being with 7 flaming crowns says to burn a tree down I'm just gonna do it, they don't pay me enough NOT to.
I blew pretty much the rest of my gold on booze a the party so it was time to get back on the old dungeon express and I hooked up with Kat Eumeleia, Brax of Tallstones, Lars Hootman and a collection of our hired goons to go on a quest that Kat got from her deity, Ke$ha The Star Goddess.
As delves go it was pretty smooth. We headed down the Dreaming River to this land called Wessex that I'd never been too, although I've heard some pretty buckwild stories about it from some of the older tavern crowd. We entered through a tower and not before long we ran into a Minotaur. Thankfully he spoke Orcish and instead of killing us on sight he was a total bro and gave us directions to where the cult was that was holding onto the silver ball that Kat needed. We had to find a winch that lowered us down to the 4th floor, which wasn't too hard to get to. "Avoid the 5th floor though, it's a fucking bloodbath down there" he said, the blood and entrails of an orc he was consuming spattering from his bovine lips.
The first room of the fourth floor was furnished and there were some cultists lounging around playing cards with a couple of zombie henchmen. We gave them the old, "we brought booze" routine, but Hootman didn't have any wine on him. Luckily Brax had a flask and I was holding a few nugs of good Vyzorian Kush. We put some in the air with the cultists and they got real chill and took us to see the silver ball they were guarding. The chamber was chocked full of zombies and there was no way we were killing all of them (they had this crazy purple slime on their claws and I do NOT fuck with slime) so I invoked the ancient kush-curse of "reminding them they were like, super hungry" (which is a total dick move I know but I don't have the gold to come back from hell again) and told them there was a burrito place back out through their chamber and up the winch. I was honest to god shocked when all of them cleared out and left us alone with the silver ball.
We got to work quick. Brax grabbed the silver ball, Kat went for a nice looking chalice and dagger on the alter, it was totally cursed and I was about to give her a hard time about it but then as soon as I pooped the first gem out of the eye I got zapped with magic lighting and a gong went off, filling the room with more cultists.
Turns out they were some lame ass jerks though and we smashed them good, the only casualty being Kat's nose, which we at least managed to retrieve. We booked it out of there and wended our way back to the elevator via the other chamber door. One of the stoned cultists was passed out there and we realized that the rest of them had ridden the elevator up and were arguing with the hirelings we left there to work the winch.
"Burrito place? I don't think..."
After a quick party huddle we grabbed the sleeping cultist and put a knife to his throat. "Tell them the burrito place is on level 5 or I give you a new mouth just south of the old one" I whispered in his ear. He was quick to comply and we were treated to the scene of 3 hungry cultists and 17 zombies on an elevator eagerly awaiting their burritos. Vyzorian Kush is a hell of an herb.
After they got off the lift we called up to the hirelings to raise it back up, but they informed us there were two zombies left behind working the winch now, so Brax and I climbed the chain. I tossed him one end of a rope and we gave the zombies the old malicious jumprope routine and sent them over the edge.
We raised the rest of the party up and made our way back out of the dungeon. I'm still surprised it went so smoothly.
Ke$ha must have been watching over us.
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This is brilliant. Love the last line
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