Prologue
No one is sure how it started. Everyone wishes it would end. The world is in shambles. The countryside is lousy with monsters, the cities are rife with corruption. The wizards pull all the strings. They control every port and every army, warping them to meet their strange and incalculable needs. The play at war like chess, each piece as valuable or disposable as the game dictates. It is tiresome and it is costly to all involved.
Never the less people attempt to live their lives in this madness, withstanding the corruption and oppression. The people have taken their protection and well being into their own hands. Companies of brave (or possibly stupid) able-bodied youth do their best to stave off the darkness. You are a part of one such company, located in a small town a few days ride from the city. The area is dangerous and it's your job to make it safe- or everyone dies, in which case they probably get brought back as some sort of terrible skeleton foot soldier by a wizard looking for cheap soldiers that don't need to eat.
So try not to fuck up.
Session 1: Hangovers & Hard Times
The story begins with a bunch of sad and hungover adventurers who had met the night before and partied far too hard at The Lonely Goat, a tavern owned by a young woman named Connie Hatchets.
They all stare at Connie as she relates to them the bad news, the food order didn't come so there's nothing to eat for breakfast. She tells them that if they go to the farm nearby to check it out and make sure that the delivery wasn't waylaid by bandits or anything she'll let them off the hook about the astronomical bar tab they racked up the night before. So in order to keep from spending the day hungover and washing dishes-
Kenje Sandersong - Dwarf Rogue
Ovaria Blüdcunt - Dark Elf Warlock
Clubion Stieve - Tiefling Druid
and Fern - Human Alchemist
Set out on the road to see what's amiss at the farm. They decide to take the main road to save time and notice a fight happening between a Knight of the Realm and three scrappy looking characters, but decide to keep their heads down and move along, too hungover and hungry to think about anyone else's problems. They see no signs of a cart the whole way,
They arrive at the farm and find it strangely quiet. They make their way into the barnyard and find the cart, completely unladen. They open the barn door to find some strange creatures feasting on the remains of a dead pig. The creatures hear them and charge. When they finally get into the sunlight they are revealed to be five child sized, mutant turnips with terrible circular mouths and rows of sharp teeth.
They fling themselves onto the party, who defend themselves admirably, I'll save you most of the details of combat but we did learn that Ovaria's breasts were literal spiders*, not just tattooed to look like spiders like we had all assumed when she said "I've got spider tits" so we decided that in the Underdark, it's fashionable to use real, lets say schnauzer sized spiders as a form of breast augmentation and that just sort of chill on your chest. We figured out Victoria's Secret and it's very unsettling.
After the fight Kenje, Ovaria and Fern succumb to their hunger and eat some of the dead mutant turnips. They all agree that it's pretty fucked up but they taste delicious and their too hungover to care.
After taking a short rest and feasting on their vanquished foes, they set off towards the farmhouse to see if anyone living their is still, like, living. They find an old woman on the porch, partially transformed into a rutabaga. Clubion uses speak to plants to communicate with her and finds out that something strange fell from the sky about a week ago and now all the vegetables have come to life and are building something out in the north field and that anyone who at the vegetables in the last week has been mutated into one. This of course worries the party because they just had like a crazy smorgasbord with a bunch of dead mutant vegetables. They roll saves to see if their effected by it and both Ovaria and Fern realize that their hair and in Fern's case, his beard have become green and leafy.
The party decides to check out the north field and sees that the vegetables are all assembling some kind of crazy golem out of their own sacrificed bodies, and the party agrees that they need to burn it all down. They make their way back to the farm to get some barrels of accelerant and run into a couple of mutant onions riding goats flanking what can only be described as "Like Dolf Lundgren but it's a carrot"
This fight was a tough one, mostly because of how 5e handles weapon types and damage resistances. But thank god Kenje had an axe so they came out on top. They went back to the farmhouse, grabbed some barrels of oil out of the root cellar and managed to sneak back out to the golem, douse it in oil and set it on fire. It burned up real good and we called it quits for the night.
*Kavi, who plays Ovaria, has never played D&D before and may I say, is FUCKING NAILING IT.
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| Say hi Connie. Art by Guillaume Singelin |
They all stare at Connie as she relates to them the bad news, the food order didn't come so there's nothing to eat for breakfast. She tells them that if they go to the farm nearby to check it out and make sure that the delivery wasn't waylaid by bandits or anything she'll let them off the hook about the astronomical bar tab they racked up the night before. So in order to keep from spending the day hungover and washing dishes-
Kenje Sandersong - Dwarf Rogue
Ovaria Blüdcunt - Dark Elf Warlock
Clubion Stieve - Tiefling Druid
and Fern - Human Alchemist
Set out on the road to see what's amiss at the farm. They decide to take the main road to save time and notice a fight happening between a Knight of the Realm and three scrappy looking characters, but decide to keep their heads down and move along, too hungover and hungry to think about anyone else's problems. They see no signs of a cart the whole way,
 |
| Oh no. |
They fling themselves onto the party, who defend themselves admirably, I'll save you most of the details of combat but we did learn that Ovaria's breasts were literal spiders*, not just tattooed to look like spiders like we had all assumed when she said "I've got spider tits" so we decided that in the Underdark, it's fashionable to use real, lets say schnauzer sized spiders as a form of breast augmentation and that just sort of chill on your chest. We figured out Victoria's Secret and it's very unsettling.
After the fight Kenje, Ovaria and Fern succumb to their hunger and eat some of the dead mutant turnips. They all agree that it's pretty fucked up but they taste delicious and their too hungover to care.
After taking a short rest and feasting on their vanquished foes, they set off towards the farmhouse to see if anyone living their is still, like, living. They find an old woman on the porch, partially transformed into a rutabaga. Clubion uses speak to plants to communicate with her and finds out that something strange fell from the sky about a week ago and now all the vegetables have come to life and are building something out in the north field and that anyone who at the vegetables in the last week has been mutated into one. This of course worries the party because they just had like a crazy smorgasbord with a bunch of dead mutant vegetables. They roll saves to see if their effected by it and both Ovaria and Fern realize that their hair and in Fern's case, his beard have become green and leafy.
This fight was a tough one, mostly because of how 5e handles weapon types and damage resistances. But thank god Kenje had an axe so they came out on top. They went back to the farmhouse, grabbed some barrels of oil out of the root cellar and managed to sneak back out to the golem, douse it in oil and set it on fire. It burned up real good and we called it quits for the night.
*Kavi, who plays Ovaria, has never played D&D before and may I say, is FUCKING NAILING IT.
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